From the Archives: The Cost of Doubt

It’s crazy to think that I’ve been doing this blog for over a month now. Although I’ve only shared it with a small audience, I am incredibly grateful for the love and support I’ve received. As a special treat, I want to share some of my innermost thoughts—ones that have been collecting dust in my notes for years (with a few minor tweaks and updates). I think I might make this a subseries called From the Archives. When I wrote these pieces back then, they encouraged me, and even now, rereading them has brought a new level of encouragement. So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy the very first From the Archives entry!

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(Written June 21, 2023)

I remember back in undergrad when I was a Biology and Health: Science, Society & Policy (HSSP) double major. With the biology major, I had a lot of exams throughout the semester. The night before—or sometimes two days before—my exams, I would be so stressed, anxious, nervous, and worried. I had prayed and asked God to help me, but for some reason, I still thought these exams were either too big or, ironically, too small for God to even worry about.

But then, the exam would come, and all the nerves and stress I had before almost disappeared. It was as if I had spent so much energy and time choosing to be stressed instead of letting go and allowing God to show up and show out. In life, I often feel like I’m operating in my own strength and might. But that has never been true, nor will it ever be. The God who brought me to that school was the same God who was going to get me through it—and that included every single exam along the way. So why worry? Why was I worrying when the One who holds the whole world in His hands was always taking care of me?

Honestly, it’s a human reaction. It’s not a good one, nor a healthy one, because it forces us to take on burdens we were never meant to carry. What’s the point of knowing and praying to a loving, supportive Father if I don’t trust Him to do what He does best?

There’s a song I’ve been listening to diligently today, and one of the lyrics asks, Why did I think that I could handle this alone? The chorus reminds us that all we can do is trust in God.

Last night, I came across a video that had been sitting in my YouTube Watch Later playlist. The Bible verse it opened with was James 1:5-8. This passage essentially tells us that doubting God makes us unstable in all our ways. My jaw dropped when I read that verse because it was as if it was speaking directly to me. Lately, I’ve felt so unstable, trying to figure things out on my own—even though God has already confirmed and reassured me that everything will be okay. That instability is my own doing. All the extra worry, anxiety, and fear? God never assigned those to me. But because of my impatience, I struggle to let Him work in His perfect timing.

After all, I like to say: He is God, and I am not. I think of a hundred million things a day, yet there’s really nothing I, as Vennesa, can do about most of them. 99.9% of them require me to let go and let God.

How can I ask God for guidance, for knowledge, for anything—and then turn around and doubt Him? When I think about it now, I just have to laugh because… what is actually wrong with me?

I recently had a beautiful conversation with one of my darling sisters, Sarah. I was asking for her advice about a situation that had been weighing on me for over a year—a situation where God had already given me a word and a sign. Before she even gave me advice, she literally prayed that God would give her wisdom to counsel me.

Now, if I’m being honest, her advice was nothing new. It was advice I had given myself countless times, and advice  my little sister had also given me. But this time, something about the way she said it hit me differently. It was as if she had already anticipated every excuse or argument I might give. There was no hesitancy in her words, nor did she finish it off with “Well, I don’t know… it’s really up to you.” She was firm in what she told me because she knew it was what God needed me to hear. And because she is someone who constantly seeks wisdom from God, I knew that the counsel she was giving me was sound, rooted in His word and His love.

I aspire to be someone who, when asking God for wisdom, for a sign, for anything—immediately trusts it and takes a step in faith. Because when I reflect on all the times I was leaning on God, the moment things got hard and I couldn’t see physical proof of change, I started doubting Him. And that doubt? It has cost me my peace of mind more times than I can count.

Waiting on God means truly letting go and allowing Him to do what He does best. Because it’s true—His word says He cares for us. If He has spoken a word, it will come to pass. There’s nothing I or you can do to make it happen faster or slower. When the time is right, the Lord will make it happen.

That is the truth I have carried in my heart, my mind, and my soul as I wait.

Don’t doubt God. Don’t do it. Take it from me—it will drive you crazy and steal the peace He has already promised you as you wait and trust in Him. Instead, as the song says:

I’m just out here trusting God. I’m just out here believing every word You promised me. I’m just out here holding on. And I won’t give up because I know You won’t give up on me.

Love always,

God's Most Talkative Child